Rolling With The Changes

Sulking in the corner, Perkar glowered at the giggling co-eds who were still filled with butterflies and jitters at the start of their college experience. Although they were unnerved by the dark look in his eyes, there was no way for them to know the evil plan he was hatching.

Back in his room, he took his roommate’s absence as an opportunity to try on his new super secret villain costume. He wrapped himself in the soft yellow material. He ran his hand gently over the bright blue “P” that rested in the middle of his chest. Soon the other members of 5churz would know his wrath.

After months of planning, testing, and prepping it was finally the day. He would finally relinquish the happiness of the party lounge. His plan would put to rest all of the inside jokes, the middle-of-the-night emotional conversations, and family dinners. When he succeeded none of them would know anything but how awesome they thought Perkar Selsur was.

He sauntered down the boy’s hallway dressed from the neck down in a cashmere jumpsuit. The only color was the “P” as the yellow color was similar to his skin and hair. He held in his hand a laser-ray gun. It looked like the Nerf guns that the other boys had been known to play with, so at first no one would suspect a thing. It was vital that he had a few minutes before people realized what was going on. With each laser hit a person would realize the greatness that was Perkar. Immediately, they would recognize all of his accomplishments and how he deserved to have their praises heaped upon him. 

When he came around the corner he was met with general yells of discontent. “Perkar, who gave you a Nerf gun?” “Put that away, you don’t have any aim anyways”. Just as Sarai was sassily saying “What are you wearing, you look like a giant cock, princess,” he took aim and fired at her. She began to bat her eyelashes, “Perkar, I love you jumpsuit I just want to curl up inside it with you!” Next Perkar aimed at Nahhan, but his aim really was terrible so it hit the television instead. The electronic device began to pull away from the wall, obviously attempting to get closer to Perkar.

“What the fuck is going?” screamed Jorge. He tried to lunge for the gun, but Perkar fired just in time. “Perkar, can we please chill together later? I know you’re probably busy, but…” he trailed off awkwardly. Now the other members of 5churz were scared. They all tried to run into the knowledge portal, but one of Perkar’s other experimental inventions (attractive female robot to make everyone think he has game) blasted around the corner and slammed the door shut.

Perkar started firing furiously, there were many casualties. Everyone began groveling at his feet, all looking for his attention. Kurtuck hadn’t been hit, but he knew the only hope he had was to play along so that he could figure out how to fix this later. 

An arduous hour long battle ensued, however with the help of his robotic girlfriend Perkar was able to succeed. Every single party lounger had been hit with the exception of Kurtuck who was still haphazardly playing along with the Perkar love fest. When there was a particularly intense bout of praising going on Kurtuck snuck away to his room. 

He quickly hopped on the inter webs to do some research. Unfortunately, this was a pretty isolated incident and there was nothing about one of your floor mates going crazy and inventing a laser-ray gun that made everyone fall over him. Kurtuck was going to have to get creative. He built a suit out of cardboard boxes and bottles to protect himself against the lasers. He found his roommate’s viking helmet and pulled it over his perfectly styled hair. 

He snuck down the hallway silently, stopping to take a deep breath before he entered the lounge. As he burst around the corner the first thing that Kurtuck did was pour a bottle of water all over the female robot, knowing that she was Perkar’s only source of strength. She immediately shut down and crumpled into the pile of scrap metal and wires that she had started out as. After he poured a second bottle of water on Perkar, which do anything but make him look stupider than he already did, Kurtuck just started screaming profanities at Perkar. At first they had no effect, but after the comment of “You crazy buttfucking snickerworm,” Kurtuck noticed something waver. For a second looks of contempt flashed across the affected students and Perkar looked weaker. But when he went back to his normal string of insults, it didn’t do anything.

Something clicked, the only way to combat someone taking themselves way too seriously was to be completely silly and ridiculous. “Why don’t you just go snuggle up with a pygmy and sing sweet Jesus songs to it, we all know that’s what you want.” The faces and Perkar faltered again. Kurtuck continued and the spell was broken more and more, until eventually realization came down of the people who Perkar had shot. Perkar began to melt into a puddle of daffodil colored goop. 

Kurtuck had saved the day, and everyone heaped genuine praises upon him. He had always been a favorite among the group. Perkar was defeated and now they could go back to normal. Kurtuck accepted all of the hugs graciously, he had been scared he had lost his friends for a while. Sometimes it takes a sense of humor to really save the day.